management; self; control; feelings; frustration; stress; disappointment; behaviour;

Everyone feels angry at times. Anger is a result of feeling stressed, disappointed or frustrated, and not being able to cope with those feelings. There are many ways of expressing anger, many of which are not appropriate or safe.

Part of the process of growing up is learning that we cannot have everything that we want, that we may not always be successful, and that life is sometimes unfair. We learn to accept that there are some things we cannot change, that sometimes we have to accept or tolerate things, and we also learn to be assertive and not aggressive.

As adults we have learnt how to control anger and to express it in appropriate ways. We may even harness our angry feelings to enable us to bring about positive changes in our lives and the lives of others.

These lessons are not easy to learn, and sometimes we need a lot of help.

Anger and young children

Very young children express their anger and frustration by throwing tantrums, often in the most inappropriate places where they are going to create maximum effect and embarrassment to their parent or carer. Our topic on Tantrums can help you understand and deal with tantrums.

It is really important that you learn how to deal with your child’s feelings of anger effectively while your child is young. Grappling with a 2 year old is a lot easier than trying to restrain an older child who is unable to control her feelings and who resorts to physical actions such as hitting or kicking.

What is causing the feelings?

If your child is expressing anger in an inappropriate way, then look first at what is causing the feelings.

·         Is your child getting enough sleep?

·         Is your child’s expectation unreasonable? eg. is he wanting to do something that he is too young or physically unable to do?

·         Are your expectations reasonable? Are you expecting him to behave better than he is old enough to be?

·         Is he getting enough ‘good’ attention? Do you make positive comments for good behaviour and small improvements?

·         Do you explain why not if you say “no” to a request?

·         Do you stick by your decisions or do you allow yourself to ‘give-in’ to constant whining and nagging?

·         Is the child unsettled by changes in the family - like a new baby, moving house or splits in the family?

·         Is the child unwell or overtired?

Outline the rules

Let your child know quietly but firmly that there are rules for dealing with anger - that everyone gets angry at times, but that we all have to learn to be the boss of anger, and not let anger be the boss of us.

Teach your child that we can all learn to work through the anger and keep ourselves and others safe by:

·         taking a deep breath and breathing out hard

·         counting to ten slowly in the mind before saying anything - keep breathing and counting while you think about what to say or do

·         waiting until we feel in control and can speak in a quiet voice

·         saying what we feel quietly, not shouting

·         walking away (not running) until we feel calm enough to think what to do

·         being careful not to say hurtful things, which we may regret later

·         never hitting out to hurt others or ourselves

·         finding safe ways to release anger, like screaming into a pillow, running round the garden or some other safe place, or squeezing a ball or a cushion.

Make sure that when you are angry, you model the behaviour that you are asking your child to do. Let him know what you are doing by saying your thoughts out loud.

Looking after yourself

Coping with a child who is upset and angry is very exhausting.

Start as you mean to continue by:

·         always insisting on quiet voices when you are talking together

·         saying “no” once and explaining why, then ignoring any further discussion by changing the subject

·         meaning what you say! - make simple rules for your child to follow, and carry out consequences if they are not followed

·         not giving in to whining and whingeing - it is hard at first, but you are not doing yourself or your child any favours by giving up on helping her to manage anger

·         trying to use the ‘time-out’ sign, making a letter T with your hands, to show that discussion is over, rather than shouting or repeating what you have just said

·         using ‘time-out’ from each other, either by deciding together where a safe time-out area is for your child, eg. on a particular chair in the family area, or even where is a safe place for yourself to ‘time-out’ for a while - somewhere your child can see you but knows not to disturb you until you are ready.

·         teaching your child about the values you have in the family, like respect for others and their property, honesty, responsibility and working together to help each other, and praising when these values are shown by the child

·         being fair - everyone needs to feel loved and special; sometimes it can be all too easy to ‘play favourites’, so that an older or more ‘difficult’ child can feel less loved

·         making it quite clear that while you love the child, you do not love angry, aggressive behaviour.

Who can help you to help your child?

In spite of all the love, care and attention you can give, some children still have problems dealing with anger. Do not struggle on alone!

Looking for help does not mean that you are a hopeless parent! On the contrary, it means that you are caring enough to realise that your child has difficulties and you want to help her overcome them. The old saying, ‘You can’t see the wood for the trees,’ is very true. Sometimes we are so involved in struggling through daily life, we can’t see what is happening.

·         Talk to your doctor or the nurse at your local clinic.

·         Talk to your child’s teacher and find out how things are going at school.

·         Find out what behaviour management strategies are working in your child’s class, and whether your child knows them. It may be possible for you to use the same sort of strategies at home.

·         Talk to the school counsellor if your child is having difficulties controlling anger at school. Using the same strategies at home and school can be very effective, and it’s good for the three of you to work together.

·         Keep in communication with whoever is helping your child so that you can talk about any improvements and reinforce the positive aspects of what your child is doing.

·         Look after yourself. You are the adult. It is important that you model dealing with anger by not showing anger yourself, not shouting and not hitting.

Content from: http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=114&np=141&id=2517#top

I think that raising a happy child is the goal of every parent. The journey starts the moment a new mother discovers that she is happy.

You start planning the nursery and child proofing the house. You spend months choosing the perfect baby name, and preparing for labor and delivery, but do you take the time to think about how you are going to discipline your children?

In my opinion, the happiest children are the ones who know how and when to be on their best behavior, but also know how to just be a kid and have fun.

Let’s face it, though, most kids (including my own) have a knack for doing the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time. They can test your patience to limits you never knew possible.

When you feel as though you are constantly yelling at your children it’s easy to think that raising a happy child is an impossible mission.

Children need structure and discipline. They need to be corrected when they have acted inappropriately. Parents need to learn how to stop feeling guilty for disciplining their children.

Discipline is actually a wonderful tool for raising a happy child, as long as you follow some general rules:

·         the punishment must match the crime

·         use age-appropriate discipline

·         never threaten discipline that you cannot enforce

The idea is not to deflate your child’s self-worth or to make them feel ashamed, but rather to encourage appropriate behavior. I truly believe that assertive discipline is the foundation for raising a happy child.

How to Discipline Children

I recently read a book that deals with all of these issues and much, much more. “How To Behave So Your Children Will, Too!” written by Sal Severe, PhD changed my life as a mother.

Dr. Severe has been a child psychologist for over 25 years. He uses amusing stories from his years of counseling mixed in with real advice to illustrate how a parent’s behavior influences a child’s behavior.

For example, Dr. Severe suggests that you should never end a direction to your child with the word “okay,” or “alright.” When you do this you are turning the command into a question rather than a statement and you are leading your child to believe that he or she has a choice in the matter.

You should say “It’s time to go to bed.” Do not say “It’s time to go to bed, okay?” If you use the question, your child can simply say, “No, it’s not okay. I want to stay up longer.”

Another great lesson from this book is to communicate with your children. Tell them what to expect so that there are no surprises which turn into opportunities for them to whine or complain.

Don’t just say “We have to run some errands.” Instead, before you leave home tell them “We have to go to the drug store, the grocery store and the dry cleaners. We will not be buying any candy or toys today.” Then stick to it.

This book has made the job of raising a happy child so much easier for me.

This book is an absolute must-read for all parents!

The Importance of Discipline

It is common knowledge that children thrive on structure. Assertive discipline provides structure. So the importance of discipline in the life of a child is very clear. Disciplined children will feel happier and more secure knowing that their parents love and care for them enough to set proper boundaries and provide the structure they need.

A great way to bring structure to your child’s life is to get them involved in sports or other activities that encourage child discipline.

Golf is becoming very popular with kids and teens. On the golf course kids will learn personal skills such as cooperation, leadership, confidence, courtesy, respect, discipline and honesty. These traits will stay with them forever!

Junior golf programs are becoming more and more popular making the great game of golf accessible and affordable to parents of young golfers. The Junior Golf Guide is a wonderful resource which will provide you with all the information you will need to introduce your child to golf.

Raising a happy child also means raising a child with strong self-esteem who knows how to have fun! Allow your child plenty of time to just be a kid. Here are some great ways that you can have fun with your kids and help shape them into self-assured, independent individuals.

Tips for raising a happy child

·         Let loose with your children. When the time is appropriate, encourage them to be silly and be silly right along with them. Laughter is good for the soul!

·         Encourage your child to think outside the box. If your daughter colors a picture with a pink sky, tell her it is the most beautiful sky you have ever seen instead of correcting her and telling her that the sky should be blue. Allowing your children to express themselves creatively does wonders for their self-esteem, not to mention their imaginations!

·         It’s okay to not want to participate in the activity your child wants to do. If coloring is not your thing, sit at the table with your child as she colors while doing an activity that you enjoy. Make sure to take time out every few minutes to admire her work. The point is spending time together, not necessarily doing the same thing.

·         Play board games with your children. Board games teach kids to follow directions and wait their turn, but it is also a wonderful bonding opportunity between parent and child.

·         Read to your child. Every night at bedtime make time for reading. Reading not only inspires their imaginations, but teaches them to love books and encourages them to read on their own.

·         Encourage your child to meet new friends. If you see another child roughly the same age, encourage your child to go over and introduce himself, ask what the other child’s name is and extend an invitation to play together. If your child is too shy, help him with the introduction. Walk over to the other child together and say “This is Billy, what’s your name.” Then ask “Would you guys like to play together?”

·         Allow your child to solve her own problems among her friends. Teach her to stand up for herself. Of course, you should encourage her to use polite words, rather than actions for problem solving.

·         Teach your child the basics of organization and time management which will allow them to develop into adults who are prepared to tackle all of life’s challenges.

Raising a happy child can be challenging at times, but it is so rewarding when you start to see your efforts pay off. Have some fun with your kids today!

Content from http://www.tips-to-organize-life.com/raising-a-happy-child.html

- The L.M.U. Team

Interesting, how we all seem to be in a constant state of trying to keep up, to capture as much time as we can, rush-rush, get it done, fill the voids, and live for the weekend, all allowing too much of the wasting of our most valuable asset: Time.

Why is time our most valuable asset you may ask. Simple. It’s the one thing that, no matter how much money, no matter how much stuff you’ve accumulated, and no matter what your social stature may be, it is truly the one thing you can never get back. Never. You, no matter how hard you try, cannot go back to the time of the last word you just read. It’s already in the past.

This represents an empowering life montra, and the opportunity to grasp a powerful insight that most never take advantage of; the sacredness of time itself. And why this is so important is only for one reason; to make every moment a mental picture or event  that you or someone else can look back apon and simply smile. For you see, if you can do this life itself becomes energized. It represents an exciting  mission of opportunity and reaching for more of what creates those smiles, and all that fullfills self purpose. It allows for the discoveries that make life magical, which comes in the small increments of the clock that never stops ticking.

For me, my awakening came with the unexpected loss of my seven year old son. And with the obvious sadness came a life changing insight and empowerment that clearly showed me how precious every moment can be; the essence and thirst to grasp every moment from there on, to seize it and make it count towards an inspiration within myself and others.  This was a light I had never before seen, and as it was then, is still beautiful today.

And in his honor, on this very day six years ago when he, Andraez, transitioned, I spend these few moments at a keyboard, hoping that my message of the Value of Time will somehow encourage others, even be only one, even just as a reminder to myself. That message is to inspire every moment of this journey called life, to count in a way that when we take our last breath, we can smile as we recall an abundance of precious memories.

May we all enjoy the fruits of this journey,

Always with you son.

I Love You,

Dad